We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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