I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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