piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
