remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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