She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
