Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
