If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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