He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
