Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
a search helicopter?!
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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