Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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