is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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