The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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