Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
