You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
