He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
