I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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