im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
