imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
