just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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