That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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