I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
