Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
