PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
