Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize