Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
