You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
