My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
