oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My cat gives me a boner
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
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