Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
