remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Pants are for mortals
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
