The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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