Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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