I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
