Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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