So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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