I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Your penis caused this!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
