I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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