just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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