So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
