youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
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