i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
