Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
