im gay
i know
yea but for you.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Randomize
