I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
