Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
