Jerry, you need to find god
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize