So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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