We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
