he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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