I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
