apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
