4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
