Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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