You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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