well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize