I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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