apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
