life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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