please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
